Maybe its age or maybe it’s just a sign of the times. Whatever it is, people around me (including myself) are finding that everything we thought we wanted in life is no longer important and the things we have striven to achieve feel meaningless.

I’m at a point in my life (call it early mid-life crisis or a late quarter-life crisis or maybe it just comes with being almost 40) where I feel as if some of the best years of my life are behind me and that I haven’t really achieved my dreams – in fact, I don’t think I’m even on the same road anymore.   Sounds depressing at first, but actually it can also be incredibly liberating.

It’s disconcerting to go onto Facebook and see the teenagers you crushed on and the friends you giggled with have grown up and are now OLD. Then you realize, “I’m OLD too!” Well, not really, but it does sometimes come as a shock to realize that my twenties have come and gone. I’m actually quite worried about how I’m going to react to my real mid-life crisis when it hits if this is how I’m feeling now.

The hardest part is realizing that your childhood dreams may never be fulfilled. You have taken a different road and, no matter how good it is, there will always be a tinge of regret for what might have been.

The anxiety being felt, is really more related to life stage than age. We have reached the point where basic needs are taken care of – food, shelter, security and all those things are a given (or at least, as far as possible). Esteem issues and self-actualisation issues seem to be the root of what I (and possibly others) are feeling.

Esteem issues tend to drive us to buy bigger houses in better neighbourhoods, work longer hours to get that promotion (and job title) at work, buy the latest model car, etc. etc.   The difference is for me, is that I’ve suddenly realized that I don’t really care about these things and that the “recognition” goals in life are really not important, or at least, not as we usually define them. I don’t want the fancy title anymore – I want to be a good mom and do work that I love. I want my mind to be challenged and to have time to do what I love doing. And this is where the liberation comes in – giving up on esteem goals and redefining what you want to be remembered for can be life-changing.

I was always driven to succeed – get the best marks at school, be the best in my job, get the bonuses and promotions. I subscribed to the Western World View of competitiveness and individualism and felt that you are always measured in relation to others. Now I’ve learnt a more African reality of group co-operation. I’ve also learnt that I can seek knowledge without having to get the best marks on exams but simply to gain knowledge, I can ride my horse without trying to get ready for the next competition but simply to enjoy the beauty of the cosmos-filled veldt. I can read fiction again, not to discuss it intellectually with others but simply for the pure enjoyment of escapism. I can relax with my children and not try to force “quality time” by doing worthwhile project together but simply just be with each other. I can go to a movie on my own and not feel insecure or alone. I can simply be….

Self-actualisation is possibly more important – being who you were meant to be. Marketing Managers and even CEO’s are not remembered for long. A few might succeed in being quoted for a few years, especially if they have written a book or had a book written about them. World leaders come and go, some having greater impact on history than others. But ultimately, people are not remembered for the medals they won or the individual actions they take but rather for how they touch other people’s lives. How they inspire, change and teach others – even if it is your own children or the children of an entire nation, it is the relationships we have with others that ultimately defines who we are and what we have achieved. Some choose to use creative gifts of painting, music and prose to be remembered. Others choose to be remembered for holding someone’s hand when they needed support, being a shoulder to cry on for a friend or being there to pick up the pieces of your child’s first broken heart.

Changing perspective on life has allowed me to realize that my old goals no longer apply. Although there are still dreams I will regret not achieving, I can make new dreams and new goals which reflect who I am now. After all, I wouldn’t want to change my life. The experiences I’ve had so far have helped define who I am and, although a long way from perfect, I’m learning to be comfortable with who I am.